The Projectors

Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker (2019)

And so our journey through THE FORCED concludes with this episode. All the Star Wars movies, up to now, have been thoroughly watched and discussed. Now we ride off into Tatooine’s double sunset because we will never watch these ever again. Once upon a time we might have gotten angry at these movies. Many get angry to this day with the sequel trilogies having their own divisions amongst the fanbase. We won’t be angry this time. Just happy to move on. We’ve done our mission. We’ve supplied you with new and proper opinions that you can replace inside your mind. We will leave the comment thread nitpicking to the rest of the internet. The only thing I would change about all of them is that I would digitally insert Jar Jar Binks into all the movies. New cuts and remasters adding Jar Jar. It wouldn’t be Rey learning that she is the granddaughter of Emperor Palpatine. It would be Rey learning that she was the daughter of Master Sith Lord and true ruler of the Final Order, Jar Jar Binks. Yes. This is so much better. I did it. I fixed Disney Star Wars. Recut that shit, Disney.  We’re saying goodbye with this most recent STAR WARS film and the finale of the last trilogy. J.J. Abrams returned to scrub off some Rian Johnson with the 2019 space fantasy “STAR WARS: THE RISE OF SKYWALKER”. The Emperor definitely raised zombie Dreadnoughts from below the ground. Those are zombie machines. Jesus Christ I can’t wait to watch something that isn’t in space.
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Star Wars: The Last Jedi (2017)

We’re in the final stretch of FORCED, our month’s theme where we discuss every STAR WARS film in chronological order, and we’re really feeling the dregs at this point. We got to spread this franchise shit around a little bit more in the future. After we finish all the STAR WARS we’re going to be watching a Carey Grant movie and we can’t wait to get to something that is the complete opposite of a space fantasy. Yeah, we do this voluntarily, and that’s on Bob because he was a little fatigued on this franchise before we scheduled this and we’re definitely never watching these ever again. But if you put a blaster to our heads and made us choose one to rewatch, Rian Johnson’s 2017 contribution to the sequel trilogy “THE LAST JEDI” might be a contender. All the referential onslaught you come to expect but it does seem like Johnson was attempting to do something a little different. Maybe philosophize the force a bit deeper. This movie has its appreciators and some quite vocal detractors but compared to the rest of the trilogy, is this one truly so bad? It had cool looking shit at least. The Holdo Maneuver? Poe Cameron being at his peak coolest? The throne room scene?? SEAMONSTER TITTY MILK CHUGGING?!?!?! YOU’RE TELLING ME THAT DOES NOTHING FOR YOU? Well, now you can just empty your brain and accept our final judgement on this movie that we will never watch again. Did you get the Justin Theroux figure when it came out?
 
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Star Wars: The Force Awakens (2015)

Our journey that we’ve dubbed FORCED is really starting to feel like just that. We volunteered for this but we’re excited to get back to Earth soon. Now that we’ve survived the Clone Wars, the Fall of the Republic, the rule of the Empire, the fall of the Empire and the rise of the New Republic…it’s high time for the Republic to completely shit the bed once again. Luke Skywalker ran away because that’s what Jedi Master’s do best, apparently, and in his absence a new order has grown in strength. Remember the Death Star? And the Death Star II? Well a whole planet is now a Death Star and it can blow up entire planetary systems. On top of all that, Han and Leia’s kid is masking it up with a guy named Snoke in what is dubbed “The First Order”. Is there any hope in the galaxy once again and can it be a completely blank slate and not connected to these goddamn Skywalkers? We meet Rey (Daisy Ridley) and Poe Dameron (Oscar Isaac) and Finn (John Boyega) and BB-8 (droids can be balls now) and we re-meet all the nostalgic classic characters because this movie really wants you to know that this isn’t going to be like Phantom Menace. It’s your favorite kind of Ice Cream so let’s feed you an entire tub of it in one sitting. It’s time for “STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS” from 2015 directed by J.J. Abrams and it’s the first of the Disney era trilogy that have become fairly controversial. We were all on the hype tit at the time but how does THE FORCE AWAKENS hold up to current scrutiny? Hear us tell of it.
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Return of the Jedi (1983)

May’s theme is FORCED, in which we discuss all the Star Wars films in chronological order and we’re now wrapping up the original trilogies with our discussion of RETURN OF THE JEDI from 1983. This hit franchise flick pretty much sets the tone of what Star Wars will become, jam packed and somewhat convoluted. Its success leads to this inevitability but Return of the Jedi is high on adventure and cool looking creatures. We meet Jabba the Hutt and the Ewoks. Also, we got another Death Star which is another clue that this franchise might be heading back to the well too many times. Boba Fett really goes out like a sucker. Of course we get full Emperor here, probably the best parts of the movie, and an unmasked Darth Vader who pretty much dies from getting a limb hacked off. You would think he would have been used to that by now. Fuck it. Let’s burn his body and see what kinds of party favors they have on Endor. These murder bears really know how to get down. They got the shit that makes you see visions of all the Jedi your dad killed. Including Yoda, that bitch.
 
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Ewoks: The Battle For Endor (1985)

For May’s movie theme, FORCED, we’re discussing every Star Wars film in chronological order including the made for TV movies and we wrap up the “Made for TV Trilogy” with the 1985 follow up to “Caravan of Courage” called “EWOKS: THE BATTLE FOR ENDOR”. Cindel and Wicket are back and that annoying Mace kid? Dead. In fact, the whole family except Cindel is dead and most of the Ewok village is abducted by Orc looking dudes. I’m sure it was all Mace’s fault somehow but this movie is definitely better than its predecessor. Quality is assured because we got ourselves a space hermit played by none other than Wilford Motherfucking Brimley. He may be gruff but he’s got a good heart and will eat all of your porridge. He’s also got a little buddy named “Teek” who runs real fast and is a total scamp. When the sorceress bird lady kidnaps Cindel, then Wilford, Teen and Wicket got to go to the orc castle to rescue her and the rest of the Ewoks. More training for when the Empire comes. Cindel has a new daddy now and let’s hope he has access to proper refrigeration for his insulin. 
 
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Caravan of Courage: An Ewok Adventure (1984)

Remember the little murder bears in Return of the Jedi? Well, they got a couple of made for TV movies from back in the 80s. This month we’re discussing ALL Star Wars movies, both feature film and TV movies, in a true and final chronological order that is not up for debate. Sorry but we got the final word on this one but we’re excited to present to you your new opinions and we got a couple of Ewok movies that fit snugly between “Empire Strikes Back” & “Return of the Jedi”. They’re pretty well panned kids movies and the one we’re starting off with “CARAVAN OF COURAGE: AN EWOK ADVENTURE” from 1984 definitely takes its critical lumps. But y’know what? That kid is kinda cute running around with Wicket on their little Tolkienesque adventure but that brother of hers, Mace? Oof. What a little shit. They have to save this kid from himself so many times. He gets the heroic feat at the end but are we gonna have to sit through another movie with this character? (More on that tomorrow) Also, those spiders. Yeesh. They cleaned these up and put them on Disney+ so I couldn’t pull many good scenes of Mace constantly crying and almost dying. Why is he dressed like an X-Wing pilot?
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The Empire Strikes Back (1980)

Our chronological journey through the STAR WARS franchise rolls on with a classic bummer of a story. THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK from 1980 is widely regarded as one of the best films of the franchise and it’s pretty hard to argue with the consensus if you ignore the existence of the holiday special. It’s time to re-examine this sci-fi classic for the final time. Yeah, it’s a good movie, but we’ve seen it A LOT. We’re saying sayonara to the STAR WARS universe when this is all said and done. It’s given us thrills and chills, laughter and confusion but you can keep the emotional investment from here forth. We’re just gonna be the 3,000th person to tell you if they’re good or not. I would strongly recommend NOT going chronologically if you’re going to want to watch them all. There’s a point to going chronologically but the release order seems to be more enjoyable if you think about it. So much memorable and awesome stuff in the Irvin Kershner directed “Episode V” and the prequels really do demystify a lot of the initial feeling of THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK. This might also be peak worst C3PO so there are some shortcomings. That Luke reaction is quite funny, though. What is cool does stay cool. The Hoth battle and Darth Vader meeting Luke is still pretty wonderful to watch. Our expectations are lower following this one but we will try to keep an open mind and focus on what makes each trilogy what they are on their own merits. Also, you can call me “Daddy”.
 
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The STAR WARS Holiday Special (1978)

You really wish you could go back and see look the faces of everyone who watched “THE STAR WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL” on November 17th, 1978 on CBS. The viewership for it had to be insane for network television in 1978 especially with the STAR WARS fever that was going around like a Wampa STD. In this strange piece of franchise history we get a whole family of Wookiees with the worst names you imagine, Art Carney as an intergalactic trader, Bea Arthur running the Mos Eisley Cantina, the world’s introduction to Boba Fett, a Wookiee fetish machine, an original song by Jefferson Starship, Luke Skywalker wearing eyeliner, Princess Leia singing and the most affectionate Han Solo you will ever see. There may have been something between Han and Mala, Chewbacca’s wife. You could feel the sexual tension. Drugs give us so many ups and downs and drugs definitely gave us this. It was almost universally panned because it was insanely weird. You couldn’t believe that this was playing in the universe of one of the biggest films of all time. Yes, it is profoundly weird but not repulsive. Maybe even a little hypnotic and that Lumpy kid? He’s an adorable little scamp. I’m sure Itchy will grow on you over time. It’s LIFE DAY and we’re re-canonizing this notorious piece of television history and placing it right back into the continuity where it belongs. It’s the first of the MADE-FOR-TV STAR WARS TRILOGY, alongside the Ewok movies, that we will be discussing for May’s movie theme we’re calling FORCED. So pick up the nearest Wookiee child into your arms and join us for a celebration. You’re goddamn right we have a link for this one: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6hH8rxarVG8
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Star Wars (1977)

EPISODE CORRECTION: George Lucas attempted to make "Flash Gordon" not "Buck Rogers". It's much more normal if you didn't even notice.
 
All May long we’re discussing STAR WARS movies in chronological order and dictating absolute canon from here forth. Your thoughts? Meaningless. Our thoughts? They are now your new thoughts. One last ride with Star Wars before we emotionally retire it and watch only movies like “On Golden Pond” and “Bridges of Madison County”. You will believe you can love again. OK, so our month’s theme of FORCED is riding on the bandwagon of that “May the 4th Be With You” stuff but don’t say that phrase to us in person unless you want to elicit a “Manchurian Candidate” type response where we attack you.
 
This episode is one of the few we are actually looking forward to as it is the one that started it all, “STAR WARS” by George Lucas from 1977 and starring Mark Hamill, Alec Guinness, Harrison Ford, Carrie Fisher and Peter Cushing. You pretty much already know a lot about it I’m sure. It’s a strange trip to behold when carrying around prequel knowledge but you gotta revel in the fairly simple space adventure romp after watching five convoluted movies that are all reference films to the one we’re finally discussing today. They didn’t let George Lucas make Buck Rogers so he took some Kurosawa inspiration and whipped up a big allegory to the Vietnam War. People split so many hairs over this franchise but the core concept of it was all as simple as that. I would like to think I would do a little more if somebody was going to destroy my planet right in front of me. I would have throat chopped Tarkin and then turn around and knock out Darth Vader in one punch for real.
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Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)

CORRECTION: The movie is from 2016 not 2018. Oops.
 
FORCED forces on. Star Wars month in complete chronological order. One last ride in a galaxy far far away before we give the franchise an emotional bon voyage. We very likely won’t watch these movies ever again. Why would we? We will probably see new ones but we’re gonna let someone else get emotional about it. Let go, Let God/The Force. We’re knocking down the other “A Star Wars Story” Disney-era franchise flick. This one made a billion so they thought they were gonna make a lot of these. One of those trash can droids with the legs was probably gonna get a movie so long as people kept losing their shit over the brand. “Solo” changed that but Gareth Edward’s 2016 movie about, essentially, the Star Wars ’77 opening scroll seemed like a pleasant surprise. Visually stunning, well acted and very heroic.“ ROGUE ONE: A STAR WARS STORY” starring Felicity Jones, Diego Luna & Ben Mendelsohn seems like it’s got a lot going for it, with the noted exception of the CGI Peter Cushing. It’s weird. That’s not my Van Helsing. Though it did make us miss him, it was weird. Then Leia’s got the face too. The newer characters are always more interesting than the legacy characters they shove in for the extended. Anyway, everybody dies in this one. Hope you like seeing shit get nuked from orbit.
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