The Projectors

Movie Review 6 Pack: Hallmark Christmas with Lacey Chabert

It’s THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR and for the tail end of the loaded week we’re presenting you a special episode for our last episode before Christmas. You didn’t really think we would go through this month without hitting up some HALLMARK CHRISTMAS SELECTIONS did you? When we come for Hallmark we gotta go to the queen. Nah, fam. We ain’t talking about that uptight Candice Cameron Bure. No we’re doing the Holidays right with “Party of 5” and “Mean Girls” alum, LACEY CHABERT. We’re hitting up another 6 pack and it’s all Lacey Chabert Hallmark Christmas movies. Relationships fail and spring anew. Jobs keep you busy until they don’t. Mistletoe smooches? Plenty. White dudes that all kind of look the same? Of course! Single parents? A couple. Ridiculous conflicts that feel forced? Just about all of them. CHRISTMAS CHEER????? COMING OUT OF EVERY GODDAMN ORIFICE! We’re talking “Christmas in Rome” from 2019, “Christmas Waltz” from 2020, “Pride, Prejudice and Mistletoe” from 2018, “The Sweetest Christmas” from 2017, “A Wish for Christmas” from 2016 and “A Christmas Melody” from 2015. That last one is directed by Mariah Carey but don’t get too excited. Half of these aren’t bad but that one is rough. Not because of Lacey Chabert. No way. She’s a perfect snow angel. You better not “Chablow” it because when it comes to Christmas, Lacey Chabert is going to “Chabring” it. Grab some pie and hear us out. Don’t make us HO HO HOLD you to it. ROFLMAO we’re totaled Hallmarked now. No going back. Never in my life have I had a roasted chestnut. Never. I didn’t even know they were actually nuts. I thought it was slang for boobies. 
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Eyes Wide Shut (1999)

It’s THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR! Get out that eggnog, stoke the fire, put on that cozy sweater because we’re all going to watch a movie that will bring the whole family together. Of course we’re talking about the 1999 Stanley Kubrick Christmas Classic “EYES WIDE SHUT” starring Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman. This “erotic” thriller didn’t really chub us out. Beautiful but cold. A jealous cold. Stanley Kubrick passed away just a few days after screening it which lends a little bit of mystery to this strange movie. It also features the tamest illuminati orgy you’ve ever seen. Like, seriously, if they just let Dr. Bill go and he went to the police, what would he say? “A bunch of men in masks and cloaks were having consensual sex with women in masks”? There would have been nothing they could do. Were any visible laws even broken? They didn’t need to kill that lady at all. The man who invented the moon landing couldn’t go harder than this? You know these sick fucks are doing shit that you truly wouldn’t want to watch. But they did kill a girl. Maybe. I think the illuminati got ahold of Angela, actually. She seems to downplay their capabilities in this episode. Did they get to her? Is she one of them? What the hell is going on here? Is this entire YouTube/Podcast channel some kind of cover for dark elitist rituals??? Who am I? Who are you? Do you think that sailor is cute? Merry Christmas.
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Poor Things (2023)

There are some good looking movies coming out at the end of this year and they’re not disappointing. We knew long ago that we were going to be watching Yorgos Lanthimos’s newest surreal comedy “Poor Things” starring Emma Stone, Mark Ruffalo, Willem Dafoe, Ramy Youssef & Jerrod Carmichael. We got a little bit of Frankenstein, some philosophical feminine and a “coming of life” story. Also, it’s steampunk. It’s surprisingly not as lame as you might think based on the word “steampunk’ but who doesn’t like stove pipe hats and telescope glasses and…what else is steam punk….air ships? Robots with handlebar mustaches? Ok, there are no robots with handlebar mustaches. Thank goodness. It’s just another strange and unique world full of fucking to behold from Yorgos Lanthimos and it doesn’t disappoint. Hear us tell of it.
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Bad Santa (2003)

It’s THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR and we’re putting some extra movies in your stocking this week leading up to Christmas and we’re discussing a modern Christmas comedy hit that’s a pretty good movie to watch if you’re not really a big fan of Christmas. There’s, maybe, only one truly good person in this movie and his name is Thurman Merman. Everybody else from the derelict Santa and the homicidal dwarf to the everyday people we briefly interact with, most everyone in this movie is pretty insufferable. Crude but relatable, we sit down and discuss Terry Zwigoff’s (Crumb, Ghost World, Art School Confidential) most successful movie to date, “BAD SANTA” from 2003 starring Billy Bob Thornton, Tony Cox, John Ritter in his last performance, the late Bernie Mac and prime Lauren Graham. A couple of cons plot to play Santa and rob a store like they do every year, but the one playing Santa is a complete mess. He’s a Bad Santa who cons himself into the heart of a young, awkward boy, who gives him a purpose that involves attacking teenagers. It’s better than pissing yourself or running your car in the garage with a hose going from your exhaust to the driver’s seat. A crude embellishment with a pinch of heartfelt sincerity. Kind of like me. 
 
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It Happened on 5th Avenue (1947)

Going through some bonafide Christmas Classics every Monday and todays discussion is about a movie that might be slightly lesser known than the other vintage choices we discuss but no less full of seasonal joy. We’re talking about Roy Del Ruth’s Christmas comedy classic “It Happened on 5th Avenue” starring Victor Moore, Don DeFore & Gale Storm. Bonafide Hobo King, Aloysius T. McKeever, lives in the 5th Avenue mansion of the second richest man in the world when he leaves for Virginia every winter. There’s also a very relatable housing crisis going on that leads to homeless veteran Jim Bullock staying at the mansion as well. Then the millionaires daughter shows up and then the millionaire and from here things are, admittedly, contrived if not completely absurd but the movie’s comedy timing and one-liners manage to keep it going. But not without a hefty share of good will towards men. It's nuts, maybe slightly radical, and definitely not an accurate depiction of the charity of the ultra wealthy but it’s a worthy holiday comedic fantasy nonetheless.
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Rare Exports (2010)

In contrast with our Classic Christmas Monday episodes, we’re tackling THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR with some off-kilter selections so let’s go to Finland for the strange tale of a boy, his Reindeer farming father and the ancient punishment god, SANTA CLAUS, who happens to have been buried alive under a mountain right next them. A unique take on the Santa mythology in Jalmari Helander’s “RARE EXPORTS” from 2010, starring Jorma & Onni Tommila. It’s like three different movies in one with more Santa Claus dicks than you ever thought you could handle. But you can handle them. Quite easily. You even begin to find comfort in all of the Santa dicks. They’re just there and it’s ok. Also, why not kill their god and make them our slaves? Go watch this shit on Tubi and that last sentence will make more sense. Santa meat fetches a hell of a price.
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The Boy and the Heron (2023)

(VERY MILD SPOILERS) Some good stuff to see at the movie theater this Holiday season and it’s unfortunate that we can’t get to them all.  We had to go watch what many are advertising, perhaps falsely, as Hayao Miyazaki’s last movie. He’s retired at least once already but much like that veteran pro wrestler who just can’t let it go, Miyazaki perhaps doesn’t know what else to do with his time. As of this writing he has not officially retired but he is 83 and smokes so it’s hard to say for sure. A firebombed Japan is the setting for the latest Miyazaki film “The Boy and the Heron” or 君たちはどう生きるか (How Do You Live?). Mahito lost his mother. The United States (we) firebombed the hospital where she worked and now Dad has met another lady and she seems nice and has seven lady dwarf assistants but Mahito struggles to face the new mother in his life. Also there’s a Heron hanging around and starts to talk and that’s all you really need to take it from here. It’s a beautiful film absolutely without a doubt and highly recommended for the theater experience. A must for anyone who appreciates animation. It’s nice to see true beauty in this world. Hey, imagine sticking one of those Warawara things up your ass.
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Miracle on 34th Street (1947)

It’s THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR and we’re continuing down the line of obvious vintage holiday classics and you know this one was coming. Kris Kringle? 100% Real and he will definitely Santa-splain your decorations to you. He happens to come into the life of a single mother and her little girl and quickly begins healing the emotional wounds of the mother who has been intensely psychologically torturing her daughter by making sure she is never playful or imaginative. Who knows why that guy across the street wants to get with the mom but all men are whores, amiright? The consumption is redistributed here in George Seaton’s heavy hitter holiday classic “MIRACLE ON 34TH STREET” starring Edmund Gwenn, Maureen O’Hara and a pretty delightful young Natalie Wood. You know the story and the trial of the century. Great tips in this movie on how to keep a false identity. Just make sure you’re popular. Also, if Santa can’t get you a house? Then to hell with him. You can speak Dutch but you can’t get me a house? What a fraud.
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Black Christmas (1974)

It’s THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR and we’re dropping some offbeat fare for Christmas and today’s discussion is much more influential to certain films you might be more likely to watch around Halloween. “Billy” the phone creep might not be as prolific as Freddy, Jason or Michael Myers but he certainly stands out and he’s very creative even if you have no idea who he is. It’s a Christmastime sorority slasher classic that spawned an entire horror sub-genre. We’re talking Bob Clark’s “BLACK CHRISTMAS” starring Margot Kidder, Olivia Hussey, Andrea Martin and John Saxon. What’s with these horrible (but great) obscene phone calls? Where are my sorority friends disappearing to? Why is my boyfriend so angry and bad at piano? These are important questions. If only someone checked the attic. Ah well. It’s Billy’s world and we’re just yuletiding in it.
Here’s that AV Club Margot Kidder interview. RIP Queen: https://www.avclub.com/random-roles-margot-kidder-1798215851
 
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The Holdovers (2023)

(MILDLY SPOILER-FREE, NO SIGNIFICANT DETAILS)
IT’S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR and I think it’s obvious what this month’s overarching theme will be and it might get a little offbeat but on Wednesdays (at least) we will be going to the movies for our picks and it looks like there is a lot of good looking flicks to be seen. Although…”Wonka”??? Not sure if we want to contribute to the “Fantastic Beasts” version of the Roald Dahl-verse and the new Aquaman looks like even more of a video game cut scene than the first one did though anything featuring an Octopus playing drums automatically gets an additional half point. To get our theater selections started off on the right foot we set out for an actual Christmas movie and we happened to have caught it in 35mm at our local independent movie theater. We’re discussing Alexander Payne’s brand new “70’s” movie “The Holdovers” starring Paul Giamatti, Da’Vine Joy Randolph & Dominic Sessa. An unlikable and over academic prep school professor must keep ward of a troublesome and emotionally isolated student during Christmas break while in the company of the school cook who is mourning the loss of a son. Thankfully, this wry story of solitude isn’t some overtly saccharine dramatic piece. It’s sweetness feels more realistic. How does Alexander Payne’s latest hold up? Let us tell you all about it (WITH NO SIGNIFICANT DETAILS) unless you’re some sort of penis cancer in human form.
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